The Day of the Dildo

"Ooo," I say flirtatiously as I take a seat next to a palm tree, "I like this place. Do you take all your first dates here?"

 

He laughs, runs his hand through his quaffed dirty blonde hair and takes a seat across from me. He doesn't really look like his Tinder photos, he's shorter in person and his face is more spread out. I wouldn't say I've been catfished, but, he definitely knows his angles. He crosses his legs, "funny that you ask, you're actually the first one I've taken here. I think it was your henna tattoo that made me pick this place."

 

"Well, you nailed it. I'm feeling very strong Anaconda vibes in this place," I wiggle mischievously in my chair, "uf, I feel like Jennifer Lopez."

 

"You like the Anaconda Jennifer Lopez?"

 

"Of course. Well, okay,  I do love the Anaconda JLo, but, the JLo that's in my heart is Jenny from the Block, JLo."

 

He lurches forward, clapping his hand together, "Yes! Thank you! Jenny from the Block was the girl when I was growing up. I mean I jerked off to that video for like, three years."

 

"Wait, what? Really?" I say in a displeasing tone, however, I'm intrigued.

 

"Yeah, that video was hot. Me and my friends - we'd all jerk off to Jenny from the Block."

 

"But... how did you do that? You didn't have YouTube..."

 

"We had MTV," he uncrosses his legs. "So, you know, me and my friends would put it on and when the video would come on, we'd just jerk off."

 

"Together?"

 

"No, like one of us would being watching tv at our house and when it would come on, we'd all call each other."

 

"That's quite a process."

 

"Yeah, but it was worth it.  I mean, we all have that one go-to jerk off video. What did you use when you masturbated?"

 

I feel a slow heat crawling up my neck, "Uh, well, I'm not like... a huge masturbator."

 

"How can you not be into masturbating?"

 

"Well, it's not like I didn't try. I just can't get turned on when I'm like completely alone." I lean forward, lowering my voice, "Actually, I got my first dildo a couple of days ago."

 

He leans forward and puts his hands up to his mouth, "go on."

 

​

...

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"How do I look?" I ask my roommate, walking out of my bedroom in a tank-top and jeans.

 

He stares at me for a moment, holding a full spoon of cereal over his bowl, "you look like a lesbian."

 

"Seriously?" adjusting my jeans in hopes that this single act will reduce my lesbian vibe.

 

"Yeah," eyeing me, "I think it's cause you have no tits."

 

I go back into my room and grab my grey sweater that has "Canada" written on the chest. My dad gave it to me after saying he couldn't stand seeing me in my other sweater which is covered in unidentifiable stains. The day after I wore my new Canadian sweater, my dog, Sweet Pea, bit a giant hole in the sleeve. I continue wearing it, as it gives off subtle Kanye West vibes mixed with a touch of poverty.

 

"How do I look now?" walking back out to the kitchen.

 

"Yeah, much better," he says nodding, "just keep your chest covered."

 

Staring down at my chest in deep thought, the doorbell rings.

 

I open the door, an Australian voice calls out amidst the darkness, "Oy, cunts!"

 

Mark walks in holding two gifts bags, "fuckin' eh," he says looking around, "your new place is fucking tight." He pauses, takes a deep breath, "All right," looking down at his hands, "this one is for you," he hands me a soft pink gift bag, "and this one is for you," handing my roommate a royal blue gift bag - he's figured out our genders.

 

I grab the bag and put it down on the kitchen table, "you gotta open it up now," he insists.

 

"Alright, alright," I put my hand in the bag and pull out a clear box. It's a giant dildo.

 

"I hope you don't have one already," he asks concerned.

 

"Actually," staring at a pink silicone vein, "I don't."

 

"I was thinking, what's a better housewarming gift than something to warm the pussaaaay," he says while quickly flopping his tongue up and down.

 

"This is a very kind gift, Mark," I cautiously take it out of the box and smell the shaft. Smells like plastic.

I slide it back into the box, "wait before you put it away, you gotta check this out," he grabs the dildo and twists the bottom of it, "touch it." I put my hand on the dildo, it starts vibrating.

 

"You have three different speeds," his eyes gleaming with excitement. I grab the dildo and hold it in the palms of my hands as it wiggles around.

 

My roommate pokes his head over my shoulder, staring at it, "Oh great, now I gotta listen to this shit."

 

Ignoring him, I get to the serious questions, "is it waterproof, Mark?"

 

"Oy, well, it should be... I think."

 

"Of course, it's waterproof. It's a fucking dildo," my roommate yells into my ear.

 

"I was just asking, asshole!" I turn the vibration off and take it to my room, placing it on my bedroom mantle, besides the wedding photo of my parents.

 

My roommate's leaning against my bedroom door frame, "why would you put it beside your parent's wedding photo?"

 

"I dunno, where else am I going to put it?"

 

He opens his mouth to reply when the doorbell rings.

 

People start to arrive. People start drinking. People spill beer on the floor. People try to get laid and fail. People go home.

 

My roommate's in his bedroom, I finish collecting some empty beer cans and go into my room, closing the door behind me. Laying on my bed, the dildo is glistening into the corner of my eye. I cover my eyes with my hand, however, peek through the cracks in between my fingers.

 

What the fuck are you going to do with this thing, Natasha? Like really? It's not like people don't have dildos, everyone has a dildo nowadays, it's normal. But it smells like plastic...I don't know if that's even safe. Why don't you just give it a try? Fuck, you wrote for a porn company, you fucking hypocrite. You're an independent woman! They all use dildos! Okay! Fine! I'll try it! Fuck sakes. 

 

I get up from my bed and grab the dildo. Are you supposed to put a condom on this thing? Where is this made... What are the odds of it having an STI? Why would it have an STI? Knowing your luck, it's covered in them.

 

"Are you awake?" I yell out loud.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Can I borrow a condom?"

 

"Is someone here?"

 

"No, I wanna put it on my dildo."

 

There's a moment of silence.

 

"It's in my dress, top shelf to the right."

 

I grab the condom and sit on my bed, holding the dildo in between my feet. Removing the condom out of the wrapper, I slide it down the shaft and give it a congratulatory pat on the head.

 

So...here we are... this is it...I'll just turn on this vibrati-- oh wow, okay I'll turn that off for now...

I lay the dildo down on the bed in between my legs and close my eyes. Just get yourself in the zone.

 

I slowly slide my underwear down my legs, to my ankles. He slides them slowly down my legs, his fingers lightly grazing my skin. I run my hands back up my legs, squeezing my thighs. His hands move slowly up my legs,  grabbing my thighs, as he gently kisses my neck.  I run my hand down my inner thigh, rubbing them slowly back and forth, grabbing the meat in between my fingers. He slowly moves his hands in between my legs, giving a little smack as he grabs my inner thighs. I run my hand through my hair, gently dragging my fingers down my face, caressing my neck. His lips touch mine as I run my hand through his hair, pulling him closer to me, with my other hand digging into his back. His muscles tensing as he presses harder into me. My hand falls in between my legs, my fingers sliding down the shaft of the dildo. I turn on the vibration, the dildo's wiggling in my hand. He takes his dick and --- I open my eyes, looking at the squirming dildo.

 

"No!" throwing the dildo against the wall. It hits the floor, continuing to wiggle.

 

"Did you just throw your dildo at the wall?" my roommate's voice calls out from the other side of the wall.

 

"Yeah."

 

"You ungrateful bitch!"

 

​

...

​

 

He leans back in his chair and relaxes his hands.

 

"Where is it now, the dildo?"

 

"I use it as a necklace holder."

 

He crosses his legs, shaking his head, "such a waste of a perfectly good dildo."

 

"Do you want it? I mean I didn't use it, it just grazed the field, if you know what I mean? It's technically unused."

 

"You'd do that?"

 

"Well, I mean, if you don't want it, that's cool. I'm not going to force a dildo on you."

 

"No, no. I'll take it."

 

"Cool. Anyways, where were we? Right, so, uh, what do you do for work?"